Burnt Bridges, Disturbed Foundations
by EmilyMayVTheCrazyDinosaurGirl
Summary: Sara had always been different. She had always burnt bridges. An unwanted visitor brings her past in to focus, and the CSI she clashes with the most, helps her through.
1. Knotted

_**I do not own these characters, only my imagination. I had forgotten how much I loved CSI, and how much I love to write also. I hope this becomes a story I complete, and do not abandon.**_

_**It would be appreciated if reviews could be made.**_

_**Sara had always been different. She had always burnt bridges.**_

I have always been different. I like it best this way. I keep to myself and I avoid the questions. I am contented with a book, over people, busy places. I like to write, I love the library. I've always been different, and I've never been afraid to hide it. I just never explored it. A girl lost in her teenage years, confused but proud. Knowing that something was... not wrong, but not the same as all the other kids who surrounded me. I didn't party with the other kids, I didn't cause any trouble in classes, and my homework was always in on time. Independent and strong. I didn't like to get too close to people, so kept myself to myself. Bullies found me, like they always do, and I began withholding myself, my thoughts. The person that I am.

I found some people I grew close too, and then pushed away. I was always burning bridges as a teenager. Bridges of friendship. Id grow to rely on people too much, I'd always become too clingy, needy. Childlike. I found it hard to trust, and I was so terrified of rejection that I often rejected others before they had a chance to hurt me. Vicious cycles formed, where I would grow close to someone, and then ruin it with self doubt, or love, or my innate ability to just... push people away. The people I was closest too, I now never see. I imagine they have all forgotten of my existence.

I was told I was a liar, a cry baby, a twisted, manipulative waste of oxygen. I was thrown out of people's beds, and out of people's lives.

I threw people away too, I torched bridges in fits of rage. Blinded. Burnt bridges I later regretted destroying, and have never been able to rebuild. There was this man, this immature boy, his name was..

It doesn't even matter what his name was. What it is. I thought I was well rid of him. Hurt by his words, and burnt by his actions. Rejected. I rejected him back, I distanced myself from him, and in the process hurt a dear friend of mine, Unsupported. Lost.

My life now, after hiccups, false starts, and bad endings, is now back on track. Years have passed, and I have been able to let go of the damaged foundations. San Francisco was a long time ago; the men were a long time ago. Even the evil she-bitch no longer haunts me. Las Vegas, my city of dreams. Crime Scene Investigator, Level 3. Possibility of promotion. A nice home, a lovely house. My mind is stable. Happy.

I progressed through many things, and have been able to become truthful and honest in myself. The thoughts and images, obsessions, that had ran through my head at a younger age, had flowed more freely, and the thoughts of 'What if?' I think I'm gay, at least bisexual, had allowed themselves to be explored. Limited interest in men when younger, had died away, and the stronger, prouder, bolder me, had flourished and grown. I met a woman, and she confirmed it. I was gay, and I was happy. Opportunities, urges, and loneliness had once again taken hold of me, and I had been sitting on the fence again for a while. All it let to was heartache.

I was gay, so why did I still sleep with men. Comfort? In the end, it didn't matter. I lost all contact with the men I had once been sharing a bed with, and my confidence grew. I didn't need the bridges, or the limited comfort they had given me, so I walked away.

Last night, something changed. After a long day in the Nevada desert, processing yet another crime scene, and going over and over in my mind the evidence I had to present next week in court. I had gone back to the lab, to shower, and to pick up my belongings. Walking out of the locker room, with intentions of going home to bed, I heard Sonya over the intercom.

''Sara Sidle, You have a visitor, Miss Sidle a visitor at reception.''

Confused I headed over to see who it was, and why they were calling so later..or early..Working on the graveyard shift often meant that days were turned upside down.

Walking around the corner, I saw no other than Hank Peddigrew, and I felt sick.

My stomach began to churn, and my hands clenched themselves into tight fists. My knuckles must have been pretty white.

''Hank? What are you doing here?'' I spat out quietly, trying not to cause a scene. Despite my shower I was still pretty tense, and a knot had formed in my shoulder. Occupational hazard it seemed.

''I just wanted to see how you are..umm..'' Hank mumbled, now realising his mistake in coming too see me, and today of all days.

My hands clenched tighter, and my throat tightened. I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I saw Catherine walk around the corner, and I hoped that she would see me. I needed her too see me, and not ignore me. We had recently had another fight, a clash of opinions and superiority. As luck would have it, as Catherine was engrossed in a file, she hadn't seen Hank at all, until she walked straight into him. Somehow this made me smile a little on the inside. Seems he should have stayed away, stayed invisible and forgotten.

''Hank...?'' Catherine asked, unsure of his name ''What are you doing here?'' Catherine glanced towards me, following his eye line, and saw my intense uncomfortableness.


	2. Lab

''Sara, you ok here?'' Catherine asked me her eyes focused on Hank. I didn't answer, or even move, and Catherine knew it meant I wasn't.

''I think you should leave.'' Catherine said to Hank in a firm and almost scowling voice, she took a step closer to him hoping to intimatate him. To my relief it worked as he walked away, skulking and unhappy but without another word. As he walked passed me I closed my eyes and turned away. My hand instinctively reached up too my stomach, and a coldness washed throughout my body.

''Thank you''

''No problem...'' came Catherine's reply. She had paused, and I knew that she wanted to ask me more, which is how I ended up here. Catherine's apartment. Id fallen asleep on her sofa almost as soon as I had sat down. Emotions drained me. Id only been asleep a few hours, but my body felt like it had been asleep for at least a week whilst my mind seems to have not had any sleep at all.

So now I am sat at her kitchen table, holding a warming cup of coffee in my hands. We sit in silence for a while, Catherine doesn't want to ask, and I don't want to tell. Clearing my throat I look up, I see my hand reach across the table, though I'm sure I am not giving my body permission to do so. My hand reaches Catherine's arm and tentatively touches it.

''Catherine...?' I say quietly, her response is a muttered yea, whilst her hand moves to hold mine. Suddenly I have become uncomfortable with this and wish to pull away from her, I don't even know why I reached out in the first place, but my hand unwillingly stays put.

''Catherine..Umm..I'm Gay..Well..Um, I know you know that already...I think..I mean, it's no big secret..but..Hank, he..he was really something..' I feel Catherine's hand loosen slightly, before her grips gets tighter, her thumb moving in small circular motions in an effort to comfort me. Strangely it seems to be working.

''I know'' is her reply, calm and honest. The Willows women is hard to shock. ''I know Sara, I know why you broke up...what you went through...''

''No, no you don't Catherine, you really don't''

Catherine cocked her head, her hand stopped and she smiled the peculiar smile she smiles ''So tell me''

I froze, my mind spinning. Catherine shouldn't know. I shouldn't even be here now. My plan for the night..the morning..had gone wrong. All I wanted to be doing was slumping on my sofa, watching tv, or better still, to be reading one of my favourite books, perhaps a hot water bottle to soothe the phantom pains in my stomach...Oh, those phantom pains. The hand that Catherine wasn't holding moved to my stomach once again. And once again without my permission. I sighed, my head dropping.

''Catherine...Remember..Remember when you blew up the lab?'' I smiled a little, despite myself, my eyes closed, awaiting her reaction, and just as I thought her hand moved from mine. Harshly, and fast. Burning.


	3. Memories

Once again, we were sat in silence. Catherine remembered all to well about the lab explosion. We all have cases or events that stick in our head forever.

We would both remember that day, it would always be etched into our minds. But both for very different reasons. Greg too, still shook whenever he thought about that fateful day. I could see it in his eyes. The way he held his body. His scars were worse than mine, so I hadn't made a fuss. I hadn't realised how badly my hand had been hurt until Grissom had come outside.

Oh Grissom. The shock of that day must have disturbed me more than I cared to admit.

I know that day changed my life forever.

''Yes, I remember, I remember everything.'' Catherine said quietly after a long silence. ''But what on earth does this have to do with your sexuality? Or Hank for that matter?'' she questioned.

I couldn't help but smile at that ''Technically, nothing.'' I reached my hand out again, searching out for her hand, but knowing that I wouldn't find it, but wanting to try anyway. My search came up empty, but that was the least of my problems and concerns right now.

I pulled my hand off of the table, and stood up, going to Catherine's cupboard in search of a glass and some water. I was familiar with her kitchen. Too familiar. Standing by the sink I downed the glass, Catherine's question still unanswered.

''I have always been Gay Catherine, Hank was..Desperation, experimentation. Urges that needed satisfying. We were, close, but, I was blind. Stupid. We became careless.'' My hands were now bracing me up, my back to her. I was finding this hard, I couldn't look at her. My words would only sting her. I know she will take my words badly, wrongly.

''I still don't understand what this has to do with my mistake, with that day..So you got desperate for a shag...'' Catherine sighed. ''I can understand why you would now feel awkward around him, I know about the fact he cheated on you...Well, you know...' She must have gestured as I heard her hands fall back down on to the table. ''I..''

''Catherine.'' I interrupted, turning back to her, back to the table, I sat down, suddenly I didn't think the kitchen sink would be enough to support me.

''Catherine, my hand wasn't the only thing damaged in the blast. The..the force, and my awkward landing caused some damage to my stomach, and I twisted my back.'' I closed my eyes, my fist clenched even tighter than before.

''About a week...No, thirteen days in fact, later, it was a Saturday, about 2pm, my stomach become tender, sore, I was sick. Next thing I know, I remember, Hank was nursing me. I was on the sofa...''

''Sara...Sara stop..I'm sorry...I..''

I shook my head ''No..I, I need to say this, and I need for you not to blame herself Catherine, I have kept quiet about this for too long...I had a miscarriage Catherine..'' The last part of my miniature speech came out as nothing more than a whisper, standing up quickly I ran to her bathroom.


	4. Running

Hoping she wouldn't follow me, I emptied my body of the sick churning in my stomach, a pain twisting over me. More phantom pains shot through me, and tears fall. Wiping them away, I stayed where I was, unwanting, unable, to move. Moments, minutes past, and Catherine must have stayed where she was, as no hands, or soothing voices were standing over me.

Moving to the sink I splashed my face with water, swilling out my mouth. I had to get out. Popping a mint into my mouth, I skulked out.

I couldn't head towards Catherine, and I wasn't about to ask her for any more help, slipping out of the bathroom, and out of her house as quietly as I could, I walked away.

I began to run.

It didn't matter to were, just anywhere. Anywhere would do.

Feeling my chest burn, and my feet pound, blood rushing about in my head. I could hear my own footsteps, and hear my heartbeat bouncing around in my head, in my ears. I began to block out the rest of the world, my vision tunnelling.

I had wanted nothing more than to keep my past in the past, to keep it hidden. Why did Hank have to show up. Why now. Why.

Slowing down, out of breath, I stopped. Where was I?

I must have decided it didn't matter as I carried on walking. I found myself walking up someone's driveway. A house with blue washed walls, dead flowers. Nothing picturesque, but something familiar to me.

Something bitter.

Raising my hand, I knocked on the door. I didn't care who's house I was going to invade, or which person would enter it. I know that I somehow knew where I was. That I knew the person who resided her, but I just couldn't remember why.

I need to forget. I looked down, hearing the door open.

''Sara...? Sara what are you doing here?''

Looking up, without a word, I walked, almost barged my way into the house, heading for the fridge, grabbing a bottle of beer that I knew would be there, I downed it almost in one.

Cringing at the taster, it's own twisted bitterness. The irony.

''Sara, I asked, what are you doing here, I thought...''

I interrupted, shrugging my shoulders ''I fancied a walk, ended up here.'' I grabbed another beer from my reluctant hosts fridge, opening it, I took a sip, this time trying to savour the taste.

''Fancy a shag Hank?'' I walked towards his bedroom. I need to forget.


	5. Waking

Feeling the coldness of his hand brushing over my body, I smiled, arching my back slightly, twisting towards him, opening my eyes.

The sheets against my naked body felt just as I remembered them, it seemed not much had changed at all.

Just myself. My desperate self.

'Come back to bed' I whispered, my hand now caressing his jeans. Hang on, his jeans? Why isn't Hank in bed with me.

'Hank?' I questioned, my voice unsure, pathetic. Weak. Even to my own ears. Sitting up in bed, I took in my surroundings. 'Hank?' I started again.

'You passed out.'' Hank answered, his voice laced with anger and confusion. Even I could pick up on it. 'First you ignore me, when all I wanted to do was make sure your OK, I'm not an idiot, I know what day it is, what anniversary it is, but you just wouldn't have it!''

'Stop shouting..' I push myself further up the bed, grabbing the blankets around me, I feel exposed, and confused. Why aren't I just allowed to forget my past?

Hank sighed, his head in his hands for a moment 'You OK Sara?'' I shrugged ''I don't really remember...'' I admitted. Hank nodded, standing up, walking around the room, picking up items from the floor.

My clothes. Underwear. ''I don't know what an earth you did before you got here Sara, but I do know you probably haven't eaten in a while and decided to down some beer, that you 'fancied a shag' and that you stripped off, losing every ounce of dignity you have, before deciding to pass out.'' throwing my clothes on to the bed, Hank left the room ''Get dressed, get out.'' he shouted slamming the door.

Closing my eyes, I cursed myself, how had I allowed myself to be so stupid. Why did I have to let blind judgement and failed past experiences rule my actions. Sex had never healed anything for me, so why had I believed it would now? If I wanted to forget, I should have ran somewhere else. Greg would have been there, I wouldn't have needed to explain anything to him, I wouldn't even have needed to expose my body to him.

Greg was, is, the perfect man. Cursing at myself for not running to him, for running from Catherine...

Catherine.

Shit.

Grabbing my clothes I pulled them on, and I made the first sensible decision since leaving the lab after shift. Hank could wait, my own urges and needs could wait, right now I needed to find Catherine.


	6. Moers

I began walking back in the general direction from which I had come moments, minutes, hours before. I really have no idea, the sun is setting once more in the sky, and I curse myself once more.

Why had I been so stupid in the first place. I wonder what Catherine is doing now, if she is even concerned about my where abouts, or just happy that she no longer has to deal with me. I think I remember, recall, that she has the night off, but as I am one to never pay much attention to the lives of my colleagues outside of work, I can not be sure.

I don't know what to do, my emotions are still messed up, and my head is pounding. I don't remember how to get to Catherine's house, but something tells me I am in the wrong part of town. I had been running for a long time before, adrenalin pumped through out me, and I had wanted to put space between her house and myself.

Now I am lost. I reach to grab my phone from my pocket, my legs hurt to much to carry on walking, a taxi would be a good idea. It isn't there, and I realise I left it, along with the rest of my things, at Catherine's.

Sighing I force myself to walk up yet another driveway, I am currently unarmed, and badge less, so hopefully my luck wont get any worse, I don't want to knock on a door belonging to a killer, or meth head. Raising my hand I knock lightly on the door.

Perhaps they wont hear me. I turn and start to walk away when I hear the door open.

''Yes?'' a voice begins, and I turn around once more, forcing my signature smiles on my lips.

I take in the man standing in front of me, his appearance, the way he is holding himself. He looks to be around 50, and is of a slim build, he looks familiar, but I don't know why.

I meet hundreds of people each month, it is hard for me to keep track of all the connections, peoples, groups I know just because of my time here in Vegas.

''Sorry to bother you Sir.'' I walk towards him

''No need to be sorry Sidle..'' the man replies a smile in his voice, I snap my head up, looking at his face once more.

How does this man know me? How do I know him?

I nod slowly, unsure of what to say, then it hits me, but before I get chance to speak again, he beats me to it.

''People only ever call me Sir in court, you know that, so Sidle, what can I do you for? Bit of a strange time to be coming to me for a warrant...''

I smile ''Well, I was wondering if I could borrow your phone?'' I haven't the time to make up an excuse, so just hope Judge Moers won't question me further. ''Whilst I'm here, it would be nice to catch up, seeming as our coffee meet was interrupted before.''

Moers looks at me, his eyes are brighter than I remember, he seems pleased to see me, and to have some company unrelated to his duties at court. He holds the door for me ''Come on in Sara, it's always nice to chat over tea with you.''

It seems Catherine will have to wait a while longer.


End file.
